Monday, February 4, 2013

Mysterious Monday: The Zombie Apocolypse

All of a sudden this past week, my Little Bear (henceforth known as LB, ‘cause I’m lazy and don’t feel like typing it every time) has been preparing, along with his new best friend, for the dreaded Zombie Apocolypse. Unless you live under a rock somewhere or are without internet (which would beg the question of how you are reading this), you know about zombies.

"Zombie Night" courtesy of Kittisak
Found on

Zombies (by modern, Hollywood definition) are dead, re-animated human corpses. They eat the flesh of other humans to survive and apparently living human brains are a delicacy. Zombies used to be relegated to bad sci-fi movies (there’s a reason they call them “B” movies) shown on smaller, independent television stations in the wee small hours of the morning—filler, basically. If I haven’t mentioned it before, there’s a part of me that misses the good ol’ days, when television stations reminded you that it was bedtime by flying the American flag before signing off (I know this wasn’t their reasoning, but still…).

These days, zombies are everywhere—movies, books, video games; they are becoming as popular as vampires and werewolves. If you can believe this, there’s even zombie romance. Zombie romance! How desperate do you have to be to fall for a dead, rotting corpse that really is after you for your brain? Given my druthers, I’d druther be alone. What if something falls off while you’re hot and heavy in the midst of in flagrante dilecto? I mean, just, EWWWW! Zombies are bad enough when they’re trying to kill you; I don’t need to think about them trying to do other stuff.

Now, to get back to my L.B. and his belief that the zombie apocalypse is upon us. Don’t know where the idea got into his (otherwise intelligent) brain, but there it is. Was it the video game that his father, brother, and brother’s best friend seem to be addicted to? Was it the internet in all its BS-filled glory? Was it television or the other idjits at his middle school? (Don’t take offense—I believe all middle schoolers are idjits to some extent—I was an honor roll student; I was still an idjit at the time.)

In the end, it doesn’t matter where L.B. got the idea; he and his friend have been preparing. They have been running “drills” for escaping over walls and making lists of the supplies they will need. L.B. asked me to drive him to Home Depot yesterday so he could waste his allowance on rope and such. When I told him that I did not have the time, he wanted to ride his bike there. I put my foot down. He claims that this is real, that the government has done experiments to make zombies. I believe a lot of not-so-shiny things about our government. I believe they probably even tried to make zombies. I do not believe that some rejects from the experiment are going to break out and kill us all. (Although, in light of the gun-control legislation they’re trying to pass, they might just be out to get us. Make zombies. Ban assault weapons. Zombie buffet. Hmmm…)

Later this morning, I will share some of what I learned about actual zombification with L.B. Hollywood zombies—the ones who are going to kill us all—bear no resemblance to the actual thing. In real life, zombies can only be made by a voodoo priest, for example. You cannot become a zombie by being bitten by a zombie (that’s werewolves, y’all). Nor can you, as the commercial shows, become a zombie when the power goes out and you drink bad milk (love that commercial J). Most often, zombies are not even dead, but, like Shakespeare’s Juliet, are in a paralytic state that is very close to death, often brought on by using the poison of a blowfish. Zombies are not capable of functioning on their own, without a master—given that information, I would think that if you kill the master, you kill the magic that created the zombie, thereby destroying the zombie and freeing the victim. I may be wrong, but that makes sense to me (if anything about zombies can make sense).

So, what do you think of the zombie craze? And are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?

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